Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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