i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
