overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
