I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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