Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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