i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
