he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
