I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
