So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
