i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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