party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
