my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
