Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
