So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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