I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
