It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
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So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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