you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
