so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
