Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
