Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
