quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
