alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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