a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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