Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
