mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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