I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
