She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
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I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
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In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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