I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
