nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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