I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
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I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
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she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.