So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes