You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
