I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
