I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
