Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
