Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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