I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
