I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
