i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
