yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Houston, we have a blender
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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