**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
