we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
