When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
