Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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