btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So much rum. So many feels.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
