Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
