dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
