my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.