Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
