Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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