I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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