I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
