on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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