Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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