I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
