this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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