When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
