I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
