I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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