He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
