I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
